apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
