I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
