His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
