So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
