checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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