got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
