Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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