Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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