you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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