so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.