I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
