Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
