Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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