Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
