I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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