My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
