What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I need water and some morals
Randomize
