spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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