So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
