Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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