is your mom at the bar?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
