Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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