i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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