apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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