I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
