Umm I'm too high to move.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
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I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
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Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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