I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
