I just pynch a tree in the face
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
