On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
