My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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