I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
