I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just pee around me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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