I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm like, not good at living.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
