Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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