He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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