So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
