The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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