I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
