Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
