there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Never joke about your clitoris.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
