i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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