Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
