I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
