Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
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Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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