you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
