Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
