My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
