Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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