Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
