Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
