I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She even gives head with a lisp.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
