I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
