The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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