Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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