So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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