Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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