I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
