textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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