sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
