weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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