The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We got so high we made milksteak
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize