guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
